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Utah: Saving Us from the Homopocalypse

They’re “banning books” in Utah, if by “banning” one means that the libraries in a school district are placing a book behind the counter so that little Johnny and Janie can’t get at that filthy smut without parental permission.

Apparently books about lesbian mothers aren’t allowed in schools in the Beehive State, but since Utah is the biggest consumer of Internet porn per capita, there’s still probably lots of lesbian porn going around. Maybe they can show that in the library, because librarians love to show that “constitutionally protected” Internet porn in libraries.

In a slightly creepier move, the school district is also asking librarians to identify books with homosexual characters, presumably so they can weed them from the collection, or at least put little pink triangles on them.

I haven’t checked, but the ALA OIF has probably made a statement about this news, and I’m sure their stance would be totally unpredictable. But what they don’t understand is why people believe having a book about homosexual parents in a school library is a bad idea. The reasoning behind such a ban goes something like this.

Reading a book about a sympathetic character will make you just like that character

Some people think that when you read a book where people unlike you are treated sympathetically, you gain a perspective on the world you never had before and learned that people unlike you are human, too.

If true, that would be bad enough in itself, because we wouldn’t want little kids to think that homosexuals are anything other than evil and depraved, just like Jews, Gypsies, communists, and the mentally ill. It would be better if we made them wear pink triangles so we could all identify them, but in the meantime we can put pink triangles on their books and make sure no children can read about them.

However, it’s even worse because reading a book about a sympathetic character doesn’t just make you sympathize with that character, it makes you become just like that character, and we wouldn’t want little children becoming lesbian mothers. For example, when I first read Their Eyes were Watching God, I actually became a young, black woman.

It didn’t wear off until I read Portnoy’s Complaint and became a chronically masturbating Jewish man. Since I was Jewish, I read the Torah, after which I became God. It was weird.

Homosexuality is contagious

Also, it’s not just enough to keep your own children from reading about homosexuals and learning either not to hate them or to become just like them or whatever. You have to keep everyone from doing it, because homosexuality is contagious. And since it can be caught from reading books, you see the problem.

One normal, decent 7-year-old heterosexual child reads a book in which lesbian parents aren’t vilified. He immediately becomes a homosexual and starts dressing much better than any of his classmates and vacuuming his room nonstop, which is primarily the way 7-year-old boys demonstrate their homosexuality.

Pretty soon, the contagion spreads. His little boy friends all become little boyfriends, and they ALL start dressing better, plus they give up football for vacuuming. Then his little girl friends start catching the disease, too. Next thing you know they’re all wearing softball mullets and hating men, because that’s what lesbians do.

The Homopocalypse

Once the contagion starts spreading, there’s no stopping it. The growth is exponential, and within six months everyone on earth is homosexual. Birthrates plummet, as the only people having children are doing so via IVF, only no one is donating sperm because gay men hate women so much.

The suicide rate also rises dramatically, as millions of men around the world suddenly realize they’re gay and kill themselves from fear of gay sex and improved standards of fashion and hygiene.

There aren’t enough people to deal with all the dead bodies, either, because the remaining men are too busy styling hair and the women are too busy playing softball and hating the men. It isn’t pretty. Well, maybe the hair is, but not the piles of rotting corpses and the cholera outbreaks. Those are pretty disgusting.

All the food goes away, too, because have you ever heard of a gay farmer? Me, either.

And then for some reason everyone left turns into zombies, but I haven’t worked that part out, yet.

Conclusion: get rid of the homosexual books

We start with a child reading a book about lesbian mothers and finish with the end of life on earth. That’s why we don’t let kids read books about homosexuals.

At least I assume that must be the reason. Nothing else makes any sense.

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Comments

  1. Paul says:

    I, for one, welcome our new fabulous overlords!

  2. I love this post. That is all.

  3. JW Librarian says:

    Reading this reminds me of sitting through many interminable sermons in Christendom, as opposed to Christianity that only the Jehovah’s Witnesses represent. For the classic slippery slope argument, see the Book of Revelation for more details.

    We see this sort of reasoning, that the AL so eloquently lays out, with drugs, as well. Case in point, “bath salts,” the new hyped-drug du jour pegged as the most dangerous drug in the history of humankind poised to destroy all decency and turn people into face-eating zombies.

    At my library, we’ve weeded every book that mentions anything about baths and salts. We hope this helps. If not, I’m sure Dan Kleinman will ensure that it does.

  4. JTShaw says:

    When I read a paragraph like this:

    “If true, that would be bad enough in itself, because we wouldn’t want little kids to think that homosexuals are anything other than evil and depraved, just like Jews, Gypsies, communists, and the mentally ill. It would be better if we made them wear pink stars so we could all identify them, but in the meantime we can put pink stars on their books and make sure no children can read about them.”

    my critical thinking and information literacy skills (finely honed by too many years in academic librarianship to easily admit to) usually prompt me to invoke Godwin’s Law and recall the hazards of false equivalence. However, in this case, I fear your implied analogy is too close to true.

    It’s depressing, but also cause to order more books that explore our shared humanity in all sorts of contexts. Expect to be challenged when you visit my library. You may change your mind, or even your life. Or, you may prove stronger in your convictions having grappled with antipodal ideas. Who knows? But my job is to be sure you have resources to grapple with, assuming you are willing to do the work.

  5. Jess says:

    Satire, thy name is Annoyed Librarian. I love this.

  6. Anonymouse says:

    “I actually became a young, black woman.”

    Haaa! You light up my life.

  7. Ed Miller says:

    This explains my desire to roll in the mud and eat slop when I read “Charlottes Web.”

  8. Tired Librarian says:

    Explains why I’ve been morphing madly from a boy wizard to a bisexual Nordic hacker with Asperger’s, to a coal-miner’s daughter who’s handy with a bow and arrow, and, most recently, a Dothraki child-bride, smart-mouthed little person, honorable retired warrior and lord, and warg, etc. etc.

  9. Mama Turtle says:

    So THAT’S why I’ve suddenly become a two headed gay Japanese schizophrenic male vampire faery gypsy mage angel demon child princess from Betelgeuse who is addicted to warlock drugs that don’t exist, has telekenetic mind powers that I use to gestalt spaceships and cargo with and lives in a hobbit hole . Good to know. And on that note, I believe I will not only buy my child a book with gay characters, but throw in a few about witches, evolution, and men named Arthur Dent who can’t get the hang of Thursdays just to be on the safe side. I can’t bear the thought of her becoming one of the idiots who thought this idea up.

  10. Mlisa says:

    Great post and great comments!

  11. teetop says:

    Nothing yet from Safe Libraries Guy?!!

  12. teetop says:

    Oh, I stand corrected. He replied to somebody, I missed it. Phew.

  13. Groovy,Kinda says:

    “Reading a book about a sympathetic character will make you just like that character”
    Wow. That’s exactly the argument of the Twilight haters.
    Not that I’m defending it, you understand, it’s just that idiots come from across the political spectrum.
    Anyway, great post, God.

  14. Louise Daileigh says:

    I have read the book and am fairly sure both penguins are male. I know that isn’t germane to the homosexuality issue, but I wonder where all this “lesbian” flap is coming from…Correct me if I am mistaken.

    • Way Barra says:

      You are mistaken. The book in question in this case is “In Our Mothers’ House”, not “And Tango Makes Three”.

  15. The Librarian With No Name says:

    I think it’s sickening that these people are being shamed for their legal, nonviolent choices. What six consenting (and one dissenting) adults do in the privacy of their own committee is nobody’s business but their own.

    This so-called “Annoyed Librarian” and the rest of the mainstream niche professional media should be ashamed to promote such an atmosphere of intolerance towards honest bigotry.

  16. Yeah, your theory’s pretty good except for one flaw (sorry, not flaw*less*, not yet anyway): I for one have never understood the deal with vacuuming. Or dusting, for that matter.

    Clearly, the Homopocalypse (I personally prefer “Homopocalypso”–it’s so very cheery!) would also wreak havoc on the supply and demand of domestic help, which in and of itself should up-end the lifestyles (alternative or otherwise) of those who have the time to worry about books about lesbian mothers in libraries.

    So win-win-winning.

    I remain flauntingly (and lovingly) yours, Montags On Fire, Esquire.

  17. That was a really great post. I look forward to reading more.

  18. Scott says:

    Now I know why I lobotomized myself when I read the Twilight series. If only I had read Harry Potter first. Then I would have learned the spell to make this all go away.